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There's a hole in my heart that's been cut out of stone... Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Rikku ^^" journal:

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September 6th, 2008
09:34 am

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Shit-faced on a plate?
I find myself writing in here again, even though i know that i don't really have to. But i dont have anywhere else to write what  i am currently feeling.
Last night, was Loni's party. I had hoped that someone-who-shall-remain-nameless was going to go... but too bad they had shit to do. The night was already filled with estatic-ness and hyped up to receive the noise, and the large mounts of confetti. I sat on the couch, because of course like every party theres like a time where everyone is just sitting down until one brave soul will start to a) dance, b)drink crazily and do something to start it up. Of course, i helped Loni out and became the A option. Which i never minded since i'm used to it cause of my family's house parties. We hit the night off with that, and Loni lures me to the kitchen, where he was going to take his first shot of the night toasting to him and surprisingly in honor of my birthday which had recently passed. Lick, shot, suck. First shot. (which reminds me i want those pictures)
I ran over to the living room, Loni dragging me along because the music had brought up a jam that had him pumped. Of course, dancing with a gay guy is cool cause to be honest there isnt any boundries to worry about, it can be silly without making it seem wrong. Seriously i want all those damned pictures... too bad i didnt take any. i shouldve, i mean i had the camera and everything im a total douche.
Alright, at all this i was lonely because a certain ex-boyfriend of mine didnt want to stay and decided to leave me there. So i was pissed because not only was i alone, he wasnt even going to take me home after he even told Loni that he was coming back. Fuck 'im. I'm tired of that fucking bullshit from him. To think that i was in love with such an ass. And that i was with him for 3 years. The thought makes me a little sick to the stomach, cause it feels like i wasted 3 years. The sad part: i can't cry. i cannot bring myself to cry, i even forced myself. But, nothing. yeah sounds weird to MAKE myself cry, but i just couldn't cry. i cried about how pissed i am at him because i was just reallllly angry that tears formed around my eyes, so technically i was crying.
i decided to go home early, because really, everyone was going to get shit-faced and i wasnt. I couldnt and i can't. Couldn't cause I work the next morning, and can't cause of my kidneys, so either way i wasn't going to stick around for too long, but i did stick around long enough for Loni's moment of uh,,,love, and i saw a sexy kiss between him and his boyfriend.

So, last night was awesome anyway, I danced although i had no dance partner so i can at least practice/show off my new learned skill of bachata. lol Which was kind of a bummer, cause i really wanted to see if i remembered how to dance that... its a bit complicated cause i cant look at my feet while i dance, its just, letting the music take you while still following the format of the steps.

So work is calling me to work 3 measly hours. Ugh.

-Mel

Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: closer - NIN

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July 29th, 2008
10:02 am

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Writer's Block: In the Event of a Zombie Emergency
Are you prepared for a zombie outbreak, or are you just going to wing it?
I say "wing it". I mean, i think i have seen enough Zombie movies to know what to do in a situation like that if im not "prepared".
Really? Who's really prepared for the worst?

Current Music: i changed my mind - sugarcult
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July 28th, 2008
06:08 pm

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Writer's Block: Feeling Better
What makes you feel better when you're mad?
Music.
Music makes the world go 'round...
I can scream or cry... whatever makes it easier.

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July 26th, 2008
09:20 pm

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Tidal waves, they, rip right through me.
I have to calm down.

I don't remember ever feeling this way in so long.
The feeling of not having anyone to lean on.
It's been so long since heat filled my lungs and the taste of bitterness took over my mouth.
I wish I could forgive myself. Life's not suppose to be lived with regret.
But what else can i do? Sometimes I wonder where things went? How did things get like this? Where did i go wrong?
Where did things go wrong?
Can things have a brighter side to them?

My mind fills itself with questions.
And thats all i can do.

Current Mood: crushedcrushed

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December 28th, 2007
10:51 pm

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eek.
ah, well it's been a while since i posted my last entry.
Again, you know the drama and stuff. But lately i feel very sad.
My boyfriend went out of the state... and somehow i feel like he doesn't even miss me. Or that he even thinks of me. Emo, huh? But, i figured out why i even feel this way.
When i was in love with this other guy (yes, i fucking loved him that moron) I realized after the longest time, that i was the only one that was in love with him. The feeling wasnt mutual. So, even after like 2 years i still feel like that might still happen. That one day im going to see that this guy im with now, might not love me the same way i love him. It sucks, i know. But now that he's away, the fear comes back. And i cry myself to sleep in fear that this might happen. I know im just being paranoid...and that he loves me. But, you gotta understand that it's still scary to me.
I don't know.
...

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November 28th, 2007
10:12 pm

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Dude looks like a lady.
i know im going to feel like a loser after this entry. Especially going with this whole emo thing...writing in my lj. *sigh* here i go.

i thought he would totally be happy for me. Yeah I know i totally fucked it up when it came to actually lying to him telling him that i wasnt keeping anything from him...but what else could i do? He kept pondering the question when was i going to quit my job? I couldnt find the words to tell him, that i got promoted to supervisor. ( i was excited when i found out, i thought it was awesome... ) but when these questions started coming about changing my job, and getting a better job, i couldnt tell him. And when i did, i have never felt more crappy in my life. He would just put this straight face and tell me how he couldnt get a promotion at the hospital and whatnot. i felt shitty. He made me feel like this wasnt a good thing. Hos face and expression said it all. I felt like i was good for nothing i felt like if i didnt accomplish anything. I felt like this promotion was a slap in the face. and it meant nothing. not even a good thing for me. i hated it. i hated me. i hated even existing. Later on, he tells me that I dont make him happy. That i do everything wrong and i fuck up alot to the point that he cant stand it.
As he said whatever he said, it was breaking me apart. it was stabbing me. i wanted to cry, but i held it in. Im too damn proud to cry. But i wasnt too proud to not kiss him, but he was. I just let his rejection slowly cut me up. even now i feel my heart heavy and hot. and the tears stream down my face involuntarily. I feel like listening to all these emo songs to fit my mood, even if they are playing in my head.
I talked to Indira. And she made me feel better by telling me things from 2 perspectives. Making it seem like we're both the bad guys, but even so... he just had to come and fuck it all up.
fuck it. i just hate this. im not proud.

Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: ???

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November 7th, 2007
03:13 pm

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Love of mine, someday you will die
oh my, im so tired... The store manager, Kay, today had me in the stock room moving heavy ass boxes to these shelves that are high as hell...
My hand hurts now. I think I held a lot of things wrong, and now my wrist is suffering. Thank god i know how to lift boxes with my legs and not my back or else that would be even worse. But that's not the good part.
Kay pulled me aside and told me that she liked the way i handle things in the back room, and that i share her way of organizing things. Long story short, she asked me to be the stock manager.
0.0
Ok, i've never been manager before, and let alone of an entire stock room. I was surprised that she even asked me, i think Dorothy knew about Kay's proposal because she kept smiling at me and asking me to get things from the back room, saying that I knew exactly where everything was.
Strange...but I would have to think about it. Only because I have school and things like that and I can't be always working....
But Kay said she would talk to me about it later on, but hopefully I pray to God i don't work tomorrow.......


--> <33

Edit: Oooh, I was with Alliet today; she nicknames me "Tae Kwon-do" Only because Im really quick when it comes to decision making, even though i have no idea what that has to do with my nickname.... -_-;;
And of course, we always look at each other when our song(s) come on. lmao.
Damned repeated songs.

Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: I will follow you into the dark - Deathcab For Cutie

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November 4th, 2007
11:12 pm

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If I don't say this now, I will surely break.
To start off, I was totally confused about the time change. I was suppose to work at 7 today and I ended up getting there a quarter to 6 instead of a quarter to 7. Seriously... this whole daylight savings time is so confusing to my natural clock. XD


So, i went early christmas shopping for my family. Yes, i realize it's november... but it doesnt hurt to go a little early this year, especially when Im working alot, and stuff usually runs out during the christmas season. So, might as well do this shit early.


I was with my boyfriend today, and tonight he had invited me for a walk in the park. So I agreed, and we were there, hand in hand, walking in the park during a crisp, cold night.
After the whole walk, and talking about the future, we were in front of his car.
And for the first time, I realized...I haven't hugged him in the longest.
But, not just one of those quick hugs.
Those hugs where you just embrace...where time seems to not exist, and everything around you slows down for that one moment of the embrace...
I realized, I haven't had a moment like that where i just hugged him, enjoying the warmth and his scent, and just...being with him.


And I cried.
I broke down in tears.
I missed that.
I missed it alot.

-- <3

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: look after you - the fray

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November 3rd, 2007
05:48 pm

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i'll take you into the night, and show you the world.
So, I just came back from work. My feet hurt like crazy. It kinda sucks. But hey, you gotta work for your money.
I realized I've been on gaia a lot lately...probably because I've been terribly bored...
And I have nothing else better to do. Duude. I should be picking my classes...lol


-- <3

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: the party scene - All Time Low

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October 31st, 2007
10:58 pm

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happy all hallow's eve.
of course it's that time of year again.
The part where everyone can get dressed up in ridiculous costumes and don't need a stupid excuse for why.
sigh i just finished doing my presentation in my speech class. Dude, i think i totally messed up in it. I don't know it just sucked for me i guess. I couldnt tell that to my classmates though...i had to tell them good job, and encourage them that they did well. It's all part of just making people feel good about themselves...
So, its Halloween again. I dont really celebrate Halloween...it's been a thing since i was ten that I stopped celebrating it cause its "evil". I don't think its evil, it's just something people like doing and its an excuse to totally embarrass yourself with ridiculous, skanky, disgusting costumes. lol

So in short Happy Halloween! Have a safe one out there. And party hard for me!

Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: stairway to heaven - led zepplin

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